Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Doggies just call it style.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive