Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.