[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I think the cat got the dog high.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles