Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
inside you are two wolves
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.