“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Bros before Ohioes
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!