Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pat is about to own someone
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.