love pickles so much i put myself in one
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?