I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
#Caturday
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Just grow your own
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Yeah. This was me today.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.