[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
You Might Also Like
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Why font matters.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better