I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
You are what you delete.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!