*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish