The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
You Might Also Like
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I hope this email finds you in a well
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.