Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly