Chicago sounds lovely.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Did I do this right
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.