I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Mhm.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?