Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.