Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.