Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.