Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
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Cake!!
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me My dog
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.