I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The fall of Netflix
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.