I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
You Might Also Like
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Tier 3 meme
Oceanography is all about current events
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full