I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!