When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear