First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.