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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!