Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.