I have many caverns
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
No, I don’t think I will.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.