Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
You Might Also Like
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?