I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
You Might Also Like
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.