They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers