The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
You Might Also Like
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home