The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts