Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.