I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Saturday
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
men are simple creatures
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.