‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
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Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Does your wife know you’re single?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I triple waxed for this?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102