Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
So inspired right now.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.