*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
You Might Also Like
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???