“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.