If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming