Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.