Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.