wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
twitter users today:
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa