*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I can鈥檛 get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard鈥檚 neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
i was NOT expecting this 馃槶 watch till the end
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 馃槅
Me: I can鈥檛 believe I鈥檓 only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I鈥檝e heard Rumours
Me: No, it鈥檚 true Sandra. They鈥檙e an actual band.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok鈥ax, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um鈥ny ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must鈥檝e looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being