mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
i love meeting boys on tinder
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.