Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
when you are just born a rebel
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
March 16
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.