It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
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Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
And bowling should be called pinball
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
opening twitter today
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.