my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
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I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
…..pretty much.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
barbara was highly relatable
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.