[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.