Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
The Friday File.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The sacred texts.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I think this cat is broken
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.