ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The fall of Netflix
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The French cow says MEUX…
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
United Steaks of America
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1